Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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