She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
