So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
