i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
