I just made out with a guy for $7.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
