i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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