at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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