I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just pee around me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
