It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
