New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
