I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
