I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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