Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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