Im at strip club and am horny
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
