I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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