what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
