***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
