I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
