It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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