how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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