She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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