You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im holly from the hills drunk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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