i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
