so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
