So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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