This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
