Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
