im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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