Do you still have your period?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
