How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
