you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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