My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
