it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I am midnight drunk by noon
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I party with great urgency now.
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