Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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