It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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