I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
