when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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