I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
