i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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