apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
