If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
