So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
