My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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