If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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