this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
