nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just fell off a train. Bad.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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