This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
jump out the window naked night went bad
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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