First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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