the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
