Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
